Dear ESPN

Let me help with something, since you are clearly confused:

news (noun) \ˈnüz, ˈnyüz\
1. a report of a recent event; intelligence; information.
2. the presentation of a report on recent or new events in a newspaper or other periodical or on radio or television.

I could continue, but let’s just stick with those two simple definitions.  With those in mind, I’d like to know: how does the NFL Draft fit into either of those definitions?  It has not happened, it is not informative, it is not a “recent or new event”.  Moreover, I think I counted three playoff basketball games, three playoff hockey games, and sixteen regular season baseball games.

So why the hell are you spending large swaths of time on Sportscenter for weeks on end on something that doesn’t remotely qualify as news (and isn’t really all that important in the grand scheme of things)?  Take a freaking break: Saturday will be here soon enough and then you can report on, you know, a news event: the actual draft.  If I see one more mock draft, I will be taking the family vacation to Connecticut this year to asplode your studios.

Yours,
Peter

P.S. In case you think I’m just biased against the NFL, it was even worse when you had that tool, Steve Phillips, doing mock press conferences for each of the MLB teams.  Really, just stop it.

Dear Family Guy

It is not enough to simply show up each week.

Be more funny.

Love,
Ron

Dear Golden Wok Restaurant at Knapp’s Corner

It’s nice to have an Asian option in the area where I work where I don’t feel pressure to shovel as much food as possible  into my gullet to get my money’s worth. You, my friend, are a good ol’ fashioned no-buffet sit-down get one plate and that’s it restaurant.

And wow, your Hot and Sour Soup is great. It really is! There are so many places whose Hot and Sour is way too heavy on the sour part, and this makes for a really ridiculously bad-tasting broth. Yours is perfect. Don’t ever change that. Ever.

However.

Your menu needs an overhaul. Quickly. Any number of cliched Chinese dishes are on your menu. Sweet and sour pork. Kung pao chicken. Cashew Shrimp. Moo Goo Gai Pan. I could go on. This isn’t problematic, of course. Those dishes are expected to be on there for Mr. Non-adventurous-eater-who-got-dragged-here-by-his-coworkers-and-never-eats-Chinese-food. But grow a pair and add your own unique dishes! Most places like yours have a “Chef’s Specialties” section of the menu with more exotic or less common fare.  Most of your staff is Chinese afterall. They probably have a couple of ideas.

You also need to change your distributor for egg rolls. They are generic and boring. Not gross like the one place I went to in Muskegon that one time, just boring. Your crab cheese needs more crab. Some more cheese would also be nice.

But again — kudos on the soup. Keep it up.

Jonathan

Dear fellow Facebook friends –

You know I love you. I really do. Would I have friended you or agreed to your friend request otherwise? So when I say what I’m about to say in this missive, don’t take it personally. Just take it as a sign that you’re being annoying.

Times are tough all over the place. I lost my job last year and despite the fact that I’m fortunate to have found new employment, January and most of February sucked. Big time. So when I log onto my facebook account and see that you’re tweeting or updating from f@#!ing Florida or motherf@#!ing Mexico, it’s very hard not to resent you a little bit.

Do I object to you having a vacation? Not a bit. How can I, when given the means and opportunity I’d be soaking in the sun as well. But see, you may not know this, but the last couple of months have not only been hard financially, but it’s been really really really cold and snowy in Michigan. Waking up to another 5 inches of snow and sub-zero temps are bad enough, but being reminded of the fact that you’re wearing shorts right now and drinking something with a toy umbrella in it is enough to make me want to crush small cute animals.

Heck, I don’t even mind a quick “Off to fla, see everyone in a week” status update. It’s the constant updating/photosthatnobodywantstosee during your trip and then the eventual bitching about Michigan weather when you get back that get under my skin and begin pulling nerve endings apart. Or the intentionally ambiguous inside jokes between you and fellow travellers once you’re back: “Not as funny as our waiter Julio was!” or “Let’s do a repeat of that second night in St. Pete!” or “Do you like my penis?”

It might sound like I’m full of oily hate and am nothing but a grumpy jackass who has nothing better to do than dole out my rancor to anyone unfortunate enough to come into range. Those are both true but beside the point. I like vacations. Most people do. Nobody likes (constantly) hearing about someone else’s vacation while stuck in Freezebutt, Michigan. Unless they’re a masochist.

Again, I love you. Consider a trip to Delaware or Iowa next year.

Jonathan

Dear ABC Sports,

I am watching college basketball. At no point do I want you to tell me what happened on last week’s episode of Lost. I haven’t watched it yet. Your segue sucked, and now I have to mute you. Rosebud was his sled.

Die,
Ron

Dear US Postal Service

Hi There! Thanks for making sure my bills arrive every day. I noticed you’ve taken to including a bright pink “Important Notice” with my mail most days now. You know that one… the “Customer’s Responsibilities Regarding Snow Removal” sheer, that includes the following helpful picture about what we need to do:

I think that’s great, and in an ideal world, we could all be happy. Unfortunately, that’s just not going to happen. Here’s an important notice for you about the realities of snow removal. I’ve included some helpful pictures so you can understand what exactly is going on:

As you can see, it really doesn’t matter what I do at 10 in the morning, if you are going to show up at 4pm, after the snow plow has run through. My mailbox is going to be buried. Now, you can act annoyed and keep my mail, you can deal with the snow issue and deliver my mail anyway, or (my favorite idea) you can attach a little plow to the front of your truck, and kill two birds with one stone. But what you don’t need to do is give me any more of these stupid pink sheets.

Thanks!
Ron

Dear Preview App on OSX

When I rotate an image and then save it, you need to actually rotate the image! Otherwise my image gets posted upside-down and I end up looking like a complete idiot.

With Love,
uoɹ

Dear Professional American Football Player

You know what? I like your style. I think what you do on the field is pretty awesome, and then the way you celebrate it? Wow, just … awesome. Like the other day, when you guys were losing something like 35-3 with a minute to go, and you managed to slip around the Left Guard and sack the quarterback. That dance you did over him as he struggled to his feet, and the way your teammates celebrated with you left me speechless. And that one time that you stopped the running back on a routine play up the middle, and then you started moving your body like a chicken in heat was also really impressive.

Thanks for doing your job.

Dear M. Night Shyamalan,

I just watched “The Happening” and now I want to punch you in the face.

This movie was terrible.

Here’s the deal, I love Zooey Deschanel, and I would be willing to just watch her stand there and do nothing for an hour and a half, and yet you’ve managed to make a movie where she stars, and I just want to turn it off. While that takes skill, it’s not the sort of skill you ought to advertise.

This movie was terrible.

Issue two: I know for a fact you can make good movies. I watched “Unbreakable” and that movie is a-w-e-s-o-m-e. “Signs”, “The 6th Sense”… these movies are great. What the hell happened to you?

This movie was terrible.

One final batch of questions for you: Do you really think that anyone, after watching this movie, was glad that they had done so? Would anyone in their right mind recommend to a friend that they see this movie? Would anyone pass up the opportunity to travel back in time to keep themselves from seeing it in the first place? Did you lose a bet with those “Saw” people, and have to include all the things they felt were too lame to go in their movies in yours? Honestly, what were you thinking?

Ron

p.s. This movie was terrible.

Dear Web Browser Manufacturers

Why do you insist on making the ‘backspace’ navigate my browser back in history. Why in the world would someone think “Hey, I’m going to navigate to the previous page in my browser’s history. Time to press ‘backspace’!”?

I’m guessing long ago, someone did, and added that behavior to Mosaic, or Netscape 1.0, or whatever, and since then it’s been a feature of every single browser ever, because hey, everyone else did it, so therefore it must mean people want it, right?

No. No they don’t. Backspace means “erase the character to the left of my cursor”. (Don’t tell me that it’s supposed to be a forward delete, btw.) If I think I’ve focused a text field, and hit backspace, but in reality I have lost focus on that text field, I don’t want the whole freaking page I’m browsing to change to whatever it was before. I want the system to beep, to alert me that I can’t remove a character to the left of my cursor, because my cursor is nowhere near a character.

Make this happen please. Thanks.