Dear Twizzlers

I was reading through your nutritional information this evening, and noticed that you claim a serving size was “4 pieces”… I know from personal experience that an actual serving size is roughly 2 pounds. You could probably save yourself and your customers some time and effort by simply printing “this entire bag… and hopefully someone else has more.”

Twizzlers are delicious,
Ron

Dear Mike and Mike in the Morning-

Learn a little bit about hockey. It will make your show more interesting, and you won’t sound like you think the NBA playoffs are the only thing happening right now. You overestimate the NBA’s importance and popularity every time you take to the airwaves. It’s not as great as you seem to think it is.

Jonathan

Too mean.

Sometimes, the hate can be a little too much. Hence the self-censored deleted post.

Dear iPhone Auto-correction

‘handguns’ is not an appropriate auto-correction for ‘gametime’.

Thanks,

Dear Post Office

I get that you are anxious for your work day to be over, but when you slam the door shut as an old lady is pulling it open, then lock it, all while pretending she doesn’t exist ( and 3 minutes before closing time ) it makes me think you might be a terrible, terrible person.

I suppose it’s not easy keeping that Post Office customer service reputation at its place. Thanks for doing your part!

Also, why does it take 24 hours to move the mail from the blue box inside the post office a full 15 feet over into the next room?

Someday robots will do your job,
Ron

Dear FedEx

If your website says that the last pickup at a given location is 4:00 PM, and I arrive at said location at 2:08 PM, I shouldn’t have to hear, “Gee you just missed the FedEx guy. Guess this’ll go out on Monday.”

In short, learn how to tell time.  If you need to use a digital watch, rather than one of those fancy antiques with little metal arms that move around (I know, I know, the short hand representing a longer period of time IS confusing), I’m okay with that.  Just stop being stupid.

Sincerely,
Peter

Dear Facebook Users

Do not threadjack. When someone posts a status update, and someone else comments, and then you dive in and are all “Hey second commenter, I’d like to start a new totally unrelated conversation about whatever here on the original poster’s status update”, you are breaking the internet.

Dear Mom from the Olive Garden Commercial

I wouldn’t get my hopes up about Donna.

Love,
Ron

Dear Dish Network Phone Tree

Your menu system sucks. You offer two options, neither of which apply to me. When I’m frozen due to indecision, you offer me the two options again.

Thankfully, jamming 0 enough times took me to a human being. Not so thankfully, she proceeded to send me through to another phone tree.

Sigh.

- joel

p.s. It would not be in the spirit of this blog to mention that when I did get through to a human being, he was extremely helpful and got me taken care of right away. So I won’t.

Dear Movies

Cars peeling out on sand do not make squealing noises. Because it’s sand.

love,

Joel