Dear Manny Ramirez

You know what, I liked you. A lot of people liked you. I was a Manny apologist for a long time. You’re an amazing hitter, and I was kind of hoping that you would stop talking about getting traded and stay put. But deep down, I feel relieved. You and your never-ending soap opera are gone, and the team will be better for it. So good f-ing riddance.

Jonathan

Dear ESPN

Let’s get this straight: your job is to cover sports. What happens in games, what is going to happen in games that will be happening soon, what has happened in games that occurred in the past. Heck, it’s even nice that you remind us occasionally of what happened 60 years ago. History is kind of important, after all.

What we really don’t give a shit about is what you feel should be important but really isn’t. Last year it was the inexplicably disastrous Who’s Now segment, and this year it’s Titletown.

Apparently, you need lots of help from couch-grazing, beer-guzzling yokels (like me) to tell you what should get attention. You let “fans” vote for Titletown just as you did for “Who’s Now.” Let me give you a word of advice: no matter what we might say in blogs like this one, sports fans as a whole are stupid. Don’t ask us who’s now or what small podunk trainstop needs attention. Just report what’s going on with games. Leave the bullshit to us.

I believe you have a number of people on staff who went to journalism school. No doubt one of the things they learned there was “Don’t try too hard to create stories. The stories will create themselves. You just report them.”

Before you know it, you’re going to have some has-been GM who’s lucky he still has a job doing fake press conferences acting as the GM for every freaking team in the MLB. Oops, too late.

Regards,
Jonathan

Dear 30-something still-lives-with-her-mom person across the street

This neighborhood does not belong to you. You do not need to know everything that’s going within a 10 house radius. When you speak to me, a “hello! how ya doin?” will suffice. What probably won’t suffice, is a question about the state of my lawn, or why my son’s toys are still on it from the night before.

I’m glad to see you’re not delivering newspapers anymore. That’s a perfectly honorable profession, of course … for a twelve year old. So I hope you’ve found some kind of other gainful employment right now. But try not to be too honest if you’re interviewing. The last time I checked, “town gossip” or “f@!#ing nosy bitch” aren’t high on employers’ lists of things to look for in a new hire.

Love,

Jonathan

Dear Wal-Mart

You are not the copyright police.

When my wife went to print photos she requested from my family, you spurned her attempts to print a picture of my parents. You requested a release from the photographer, even though the photo didn’t look all that professional.

Look: When it boils right down to it, your employees, with what is probably a 5 minute “copyright primer” shouldn’t be refusing customers the ability to BUY something they just printed because you *think* it may be copyrighted. And I’d also like to toss in that at any given moment, probably 20% of your employees are high.

Furthermore, requiring a release is completely stupid. Let’s see why:
1. I could easily take a copy of all the photos, and put them on my camera. Doesn’t matter what kind, as long as the display shows. That would hopefully help Jimmy Dime-Bag at the counter believe me. I’d have to lug my camera with me, but perhaps it would be worth it.
2. I could easily fake a release – you didn’t even *have* any forms to fill out – sign it – and hand it to you.
3. I could go to CostCo, where the people working the photo counter have a larger portion of their brain active and sober.

Wal-Mart, you’re dumb. You’re jumping on the copyright scare tactic bandwagon – and the only person really being hurt is you – since you’re printing countless pictures that you’re immediately dumping because of “copyright concerns”. I’ve got half a mind to take a picture of Fabio from the internet, print 100 copies, and then attempt to buy them – only to have you throw them away, wasting a lot of ink, and a lot of photo paper.

Regards,
Adam

Dear FX Network

So… I was spinning through the stations and saw you were showing Black Knight starring Martin Lawrence.

Um… Why?

Seriously, Think Next Time!
Ron

Dear Fox News Broadcaster Guy

Yeah, I know that you’re jealous your guy isn’t getting the press coverage that the other guy is. It must really suck to be an old white dude and not get the attention you deserve. But the next time you want to make a subtle point, it’s probably not best to point out that a certain German monument that a certain presidential candidate is speaking in front of “can be connected to Hitler!” (emphasis yours)

Just a thought. Hugs and kisses,

Jonathan

Dear Comment Spammer

So.. thanks for those 50 links to where I can buy cialis. I think you must have thought I missed it the first 49 times you posted it, ’cause that 50th one showed up right away. You didn’t leave your name, or a place where I could reach you, so I can’t personalize this at all… hence the open post here.

Oh! I see you left another 5 messages. Thanks again!

Have you noticed that these things aren’t being saved at all, and that you are accomplishing nothing? No.. probably not, because you are a robot, and you don’t have feelings. I’m not going to lie, that’s rather irritating to me, because I wish little more than to cause you serious pain… Maybe you were programmed to feel pain..? I can hope, I guess.

So, in closing, you are terrible, and the world would be a far better place if you didn’t exist.

Die,
Ron

Dear People Wondering If This Sign Is Racist

No, it is not. Just… drop it and stop wasting time and money.

Some choice quotes:

Richard said he thought the chimp was cute the first time he saw it but said he became concerned when someone told him that it was derogatory, given Obama’s racial background and McCain’s black adopted daughter.

“The insulting racial slur overtones and connotations of this series of electronic billboard image of flashing displays is quite clear to people who are astute in civic affairs and therefore are upsetting to many citizens in the City of Montrose community,” Crosby wrote.

and of course:

As for Richard, his concerns about the sign appeared to lessen when told that Voorheis said he had no racist intent with it.

“If the monkey is just shaking his head (about politics), … fine. It’s not a big deal,” he said.

Love,

Joel

Dear VtigerCRM

So… I’ve been working with your code, and I ran across this:

if(($email1 != “” || $email2 != “”) || ($email1 != “” && $email2 != “”))

So… let me get this straight… You want to see if $email1 is blank…. or if $email2 is blank…. or if $email1 and $email2 are blank… Pssst… If $email1 and $email2 are blank, I’m *guessing* one of those other checks might have noticed it already… Not great.

Maybe it was just a fluke…. oh wait, what do we have here?

$randomfilename = “vt_” . str_replace(array(“.”,” “), “”, microtime());
$filename=html_entity_decode($temparray['filename'], ENT_QUOTES, $default_charset);
$filename= $randomfilename . “_word.doc”;

So… You make a random file name. Then set the $filename to something… then instantly set it to something else. I will assume you are getting paid by the line.. fair enough.. I think you’re kinda dumb.

More, eh?

if(isset($_REQUEST['record']) && isset($_REQUEST['record'])) {

Um… What? .. You’re retarded.

I give up.
Ron

Dear nwa.com

Thank you oh so much for letting me search for flights online.

However, you completely ruin the purpose of searching for flights by price when you list rates that are false, misleading, and very, very stupid.
Behold:

(Click image for larger version)

As you can see, $10 is an unlikely price to pay for a plane ticket, and therefore it’s impossible for me to know what the true cost is without clicking, and therefore you have ruined the purpose of the flexible scheduling and the grid for the cheapest price.

You suck.

Adam