Dear Hillary supporters

Stop being a hive mind of assholes. Just … stop.

Jonathan

Dear Brian Willams

You suck. Seriously, as the main anchortool on NBC for the olympics, you sucked. You pointed out the most insipid things. And now, you take the cake: Regarding the DNC in Denver, you pointed out that it’s the “20th time the DNC has been held West of the Mississippi River”.

Words fail me. I wish words failed you.

P.S. Your nose is crooked.

- Adam

Dear Big Black Super-Fast Jumping Spider Capable of Withstanding Repeated Smashes Against My Office Wall and Who Twice Climbed Onto My Hand While I Was Typing at My Desk

You scare the hell out of me. Please never come back.

Cowering in fear,
Ron

Dear Al Roker

Please stop mangling the Chinese language. I know that you have a shtick, and that a certain amount of aw-shucks goofiness is expected from you. However, your “Chinese 101″ segment on the Today Show is approaching reprehensibility. The letter “q” in Pinyin is not pronounced as in “queen.” Heck, it’s not even pronounced that way in English when it stands without a “u.” So when you see “qi” and say “kwee!” with an enthusiasm that’s rivalled only by your prodigious gut, please know that a little bit of me dies inside.

A Today Show producer should probably have clued you into some basic Pinyin pronunciation before the Olympics, but ultimately, it’s your responsibility to make sure you’re not offending our hosts by treating their language as a punchline. Of course, the Chinese are so polite they probably think you’re “cute.”

And please don’t affect a phony ching chong ching chow mein accent. Leave that to Rosie O’Donnell (I would wikipedia link her, but I’ve already showered today).

Xie xie (say it like “sye sye”)

Jonathan

Dear Marketers

So, the word ‘webinar’. Nobody likes it. It’s a terrible word. It embarrasses you and me when you use it.

So let’s stop, eh?

P.S., if you are one of the people that do, indeed, like this word, I have a domain to sell you.

Thanks much,

joel

Dear Nathan

Welcome to the family. It’s nice to have you.

Here’s a tip: stop kicking yourself in your “junk”. I know you’re mad – and it probably feels good to kick and flail those little legs of yours – but I can’t help but notice that you kick yourself down there, and that’s *got* to hurt. I notice that you don’t get any calmer when you do that, so I can only imagine that it’s making things worse.

Just a fatherly note to you,

Adam

Dear NBC,

You seem confused, so I’m going to help you out. You’ve got your Olympic logo up in the corner, and that’s cool. Above it you have “LIVE“. Now, here’s where we run into some trouble. I think a lot of people will see that, and think “Oh, what they are showing on the screen is happening right now“. You see, in this context, that is the common definition of the word “Live”. But that’s clearly not what you mean… I’ll tell you how I know:

I was up kinda late last night, and was checking some of the news headlines, and it talked about Michael Phelps’ first race. I read through the article, which included a description of the race, the results, and some events following the race. A couple hours later I turned on the TV, and there was the Olympic Logo, and above it: “LIVE“… Turns out it was a swimming race featuring Michael Phelps. As the race went on, I figured out [rather quickly] that things were going just as they had been described online hours ago. So barring some temporal anomaly or strange time altering technology I am not yet aware of, your “LIVE” logo does not mean what we would commonly assume it means. There are perhaps two other definitions I could think of that would apply in this situation:

1. An imperative statement to continue to exist, kinda like when someone gives a person CPR on TV: “Live!”
2. An assurance that the events being shown were at one time happening in real time (i.e. This sporting event was filmed before a live studio audience). This seems somewhat unnecessary.

Hope this helps!
Ron

P.S. I don’t think “Must see TV” means what you think it does either.

Dear Paychex Website,

I want to be as clear as humanly possible: You are awful.

Here’s the deal, I went to your site because you fubar’d my account, and are now taking my money. I need my money, so I need to get this fixed. I registered for an account, and you said that my Social Security number was already registered. Fine… I guess I’ll just log in then.

I attempted to log in, and it said my user was not found. So I clicked on your “Forgot your username” item, and filled in my Social Security number, and you said “No user found for this SSN”. At this point, a robot’s head would explode. I still need my money, so I continued.

I gave creating a new user a go again. I filled out my Social Security number again, which you kindly block from showing on screen, replacing it with “*“’s. I appreciate that. Then, after filling out all the information again, I clicked submit, and you popped up a window showing my full Social Security Number saying it was already taken. Nice job, idiots. At this point, any sane person’s head would explode.

I still need my money,
Ron

P.S. I really, really want to punch you in the face.

Dear person in front of me at Subway

You may have noticed, as I did, that the party directly in front of you (and therefore two in front of me) was a girls’ basketball team, their coach and a couple of their small children. Instead of ordering one-at-a-time like normal people do, they chose to stand at the counter and give their entire order at once, and in the most unorganized fashion possible. They took probably three times as long as the same number of people should have.

Until you and I finally got to the cashier station and were ready to pay, they were going to be the target of this blog post. Instead, you won (or lost).

Apparently, today you needed to pay in all dimes. That’s unfortunate but fine, I’ve done the same myself. But when we have been waiting in line for ten minutes and I’ve run out of interesting things to read regarding the caloric and saturated fat content of the available sandwiches, I want to pay and leave. Here are some other options you could have considered:

1. Kindly inform me and the other people behind you of your plans, and offer to let us pay first.
2. Notice how long the party in front is taking, then realize how much more impatient your plans will make us and leave (I don’t care if you do this before or after ordering).
3. Do the freaking math in your head while waiting in line. This one might be a little hard for you, granted, but if you came with just change, then you probably (?) know how much you have. You ordered a 6-inch sandwich that’s going to cost you $3.49. That’s 21 cents in tax. Voila! $3.70. Prepare the 37 dimes in advance. You can even do this while the sandwich artist is lovingly addressing the contents of your meal.

Instead, you heard your total, reached into that pocket and started counting the dimes out, 50 cents at a time. And then you came up short, causing you to meticulously look at the change left in your hand, and decide how best to address the defecit.

I also noticed you were wearing your Papa John’s uniform. I hear they don’t take dimes, so your visit to Subway is obviously justified.

Eat fresh,
Jonathan

Dear Joe Buck and Tim McCarver

Okay, this has just gone on to long. You guys just need to shut up. You are just terrible. There are so many ways in which you are terrible, that it would be easier to just list the ways in which you aren’t terrible, and then just subtract that from everything you do, and you’ll have your list.

Ready for the list? Here we go:

1. You occasionally get the score right.

I’m afraid that’s all I’ve got. In closing, you are terrible.

I mute you,
Ron