Dear Loud Guy hitting on that Soccer Mom in the Coffee Shop

Hey, how’s it going? Pretty good, eh? You seem like you’re in a good mood. Um.. here’s the deal, and I hate to be a bother, but you’re really, really loud. There’s no reason to be that loud. You’re right next to the person you are talking to, and I have earphones in, and I’m sitting at the other end of the shop, and I can hear you loud and clear. That’s not good.

Another thing, and again, I hate to trouble you with this, but I’m afraid you’re a complete idiot. When you say there are “two shows you’re really hooked on right now: Terminator, House, and 2 and a Half Men” it bothers me… because it means you either don’t know what “2″ means, or you think there’s actually a show about a cantankerous cyborg from the future able to solve mysterious medical oddities while protecting humanity’s only hope for the future. Also… 2 and a Half Men? Really?

I’m not going to take you to task for your butchering of the English language, but I would urge you to study up on subject-verb agreement when you get a chance. Also, you’ve changed tenses frequently enough in this short conversation that any reasonable person would at this point believe you capable of time travel.

One final thing, and I’ll let you get back to trying to woo this clearly starved for attention lady… I say this in love, and hope it’s taken in the spirit that it is meant: That mustache makes you look like a child-predator.

Good luck on your date!
Ron

Dear Sean Hannity

Shut the f@#k up.

Jonathan

Dear Reddit, Digg, Daily Kos, iReport, etc

Thanks so much for spending about 99% of your time discussing various scandals about my governor.
Thanks for blowing out of proportion some of the scandals, and making up a whole other bunch of scandals (For example, that Trig was actually not Sarah’s, but her daughter’s. That was a good one. So much for all your credible sources on that one, eh boys?)

Anyway, it’s to be expected that with such a oddball choice for Republican VP, there’ll be a “tempest in a teacup” so to speak – but seriously – get back to doing news, and leave the Weekly World News type bullcrap to other people.

Also, on a final note: Daily Kos: Andrew Halcro isn’t a credible source. The man hates Sarah Palin with a passion. Using him as a source is like Bush using Cheney as a source for Obama being a Muslim.

- Adam

Dear lady in HR

Thanks for snapping at me and telling me that I needed to fill that form out TODAY. I appreciate your taking this seriously.

There’s just one problem: I’ve been asking for that paperwork for about 28 days now. I’ve made 5 separate requests: One phone call, three emails, and a paper note to your secretary when I came there IN PERSON for the paperwork but you couldn’t be bothered. And there’s probably more; I’m just counting the requests for which I’m positive.

Looking at things, it took you about 15 days to actually print the documentation and forms, and then it took you another 10 days to actually get it the 300 feet to my desk. I actually finally got this paperwork last week, and you didn’t respond to my email for help filling it out, either.

So: When I ask for something 5 times, on day 3 or so, knowing full well that I have 31 days to fill it out, don’t snap at me and act pissy when it’s the last day, when you’ve had ample time to actually respond to me and get me the paperwork. That’s officially your fault. Granted – I didn’t get it filled over the long weekend, but as I said earlier – I wanted some help (asking for all sorts of things I don’t understand, or know the paycheck ramifications of) and I doubt you would have liked me to call you at home.

You fail at your job,

- Adam