Dear 2 College Freshman Guys Hitting on the Clearly Uninterested Barista,

Hey. Here’s the deal.. it’s not working.

First off, your ability to form an association between the drink “French Kiss” with the physical act “french kiss” is neither clever nor funny. Your repeated assurances that your recent endeavors had your friends “laughing their asses off” does not, in fact, make her (or any of us in the audience… I assume we are intended to be the audience, as you’re talking loud enough to overpower any other conversation in the shop) believe you to be funny. She’s more likely to assume your friends are at least as lame, if not even more lame, that you two are, and that time spent with you and/or them would make working here in the coffee shop at 1:45 in the morning seem like the heights of adventure and entertainment in comparison.

I’m going to give you some advise (because clearly I am the voice of experience and success):

1. Say what you would like to drink
2. Hand her the money required
3. Say thank you
4. Tip if you feel so inclined (I would recommend doing so)
5. Leave

Now… that probably won’t lead to you hooking up with this barista in any way, but it will likely quell my intense desire to bludgeon you to death with my chair… and I think that’s something.

I’m just trying to help,
Ron

Dear Redneck Grampa sitting across from me at the Chinese Buffet

When you get your fortune cookie, and you ask your waitress to pronounce the word featured in the “Learn Chinese” bit, and when she’s good enough to comply — don’t mutter that their language looks like “chicken scratches” as she’s walking away. She can understand English, you know. Asshole.

Hope you enjoyed your meal,

Jonathan