Dear Family Guy

It is not enough to simply show up each week.

Be more funny.

Love,
Ron

Dear Golden Wok Restaurant at Knapp’s Corner

It’s nice to have an Asian option in the area where I work where I don’t feel pressure to shovel as much food as possible  into my gullet to get my money’s worth. You, my friend, are a good ol’ fashioned no-buffet sit-down get one plate and that’s it restaurant.

And wow, your Hot and Sour Soup is great. It really is! There are so many places whose Hot and Sour is way too heavy on the sour part, and this makes for a really ridiculously bad-tasting broth. Yours is perfect. Don’t ever change that. Ever.

However.

Your menu needs an overhaul. Quickly. Any number of cliched Chinese dishes are on your menu. Sweet and sour pork. Kung pao chicken. Cashew Shrimp. Moo Goo Gai Pan. I could go on. This isn’t problematic, of course. Those dishes are expected to be on there for Mr. Non-adventurous-eater-who-got-dragged-here-by-his-coworkers-and-never-eats-Chinese-food. But grow a pair and add your own unique dishes! Most places like yours have a “Chef’s Specialties” section of the menu with more exotic or less common fare.  Most of your staff is Chinese afterall. They probably have a couple of ideas.

You also need to change your distributor for egg rolls. They are generic and boring. Not gross like the one place I went to in Muskegon that one time, just boring. Your crab cheese needs more crab. Some more cheese would also be nice.

But again — kudos on the soup. Keep it up.

Jonathan

Dear fellow Facebook friends –

You know I love you. I really do. Would I have friended you or agreed to your friend request otherwise? So when I say what I’m about to say in this missive, don’t take it personally. Just take it as a sign that you’re being annoying.

Times are tough all over the place. I lost my job last year and despite the fact that I’m fortunate to have found new employment, January and most of February sucked. Big time. So when I log onto my facebook account and see that you’re tweeting or updating from f@#!ing Florida or motherf@#!ing Mexico, it’s very hard not to resent you a little bit.

Do I object to you having a vacation? Not a bit. How can I, when given the means and opportunity I’d be soaking in the sun as well. But see, you may not know this, but the last couple of months have not only been hard financially, but it’s been really really really cold and snowy in Michigan. Waking up to another 5 inches of snow and sub-zero temps are bad enough, but being reminded of the fact that you’re wearing shorts right now and drinking something with a toy umbrella in it is enough to make me want to crush small cute animals.

Heck, I don’t even mind a quick “Off to fla, see everyone in a week” status update. It’s the constant updating/photosthatnobodywantstosee during your trip and then the eventual bitching about Michigan weather when you get back that get under my skin and begin pulling nerve endings apart. Or the intentionally ambiguous inside jokes between you and fellow travellers once you’re back: “Not as funny as our waiter Julio was!” or “Let’s do a repeat of that second night in St. Pete!” or “Do you like my penis?”

It might sound like I’m full of oily hate and am nothing but a grumpy jackass who has nothing better to do than dole out my rancor to anyone unfortunate enough to come into range. Those are both true but beside the point. I like vacations. Most people do. Nobody likes (constantly) hearing about someone else’s vacation while stuck in Freezebutt, Michigan. Unless they’re a masochist.

Again, I love you. Consider a trip to Delaware or Iowa next year.

Jonathan