Dear Facebook Users

Do not threadjack. When someone posts a status update, and someone else comments, and then you dive in and are all “Hey second commenter, I’d like to start a new totally unrelated conversation about whatever here on the original poster’s status update”, you are breaking the internet.

Dear Dish Network Phone Tree

Your menu system sucks. You offer two options, neither of which apply to me. When I’m frozen due to indecision, you offer me the two options again.

Thankfully, jamming 0 enough times took me to a human being. Not so thankfully, she proceeded to send me through to another phone tree.

Sigh.

- joel

p.s. It would not be in the spirit of this blog to mention that when I did get through to a human being, he was extremely helpful and got me taken care of right away. So I won’t.

Dear Movies

Cars peeling out on sand do not make squealing noises. Because it’s sand.

love,

Joel

Dear OSX

When I have an application in the forefront, that application should stay in the forefront FOR ALL TIME until I switch to something else. Me opening application A then switching back to application B while A opens is not your license to then steal focus from B while A does whatever it’s doing while it’s opening. A stays in the background until I bring it to the foreground. End of story.

Instead, you get all Patrick Swayze and are like “Nobody puts Application A in a corner!”, and decide that suddenly it’s time to just switch to A and send half of the sentence I was just typing to it instead.

So… fix this. Seriously.

Thanks,
joel

Dear All Websites

When you add JavaScript to your site so that as soon as I fill in a form field with enough characters it auto-advances me to the next form field… you are emboldening the terrorists.

Just thought you’d like to know.

Dear Web Browser Manufacturers

Why do you insist on making the ‘backspace’ navigate my browser back in history. Why in the world would someone think “Hey, I’m going to navigate to the previous page in my browser’s history. Time to press ‘backspace’!”?

I’m guessing long ago, someone did, and added that behavior to Mosaic, or Netscape 1.0, or whatever, and since then it’s been a feature of every single browser ever, because hey, everyone else did it, so therefore it must mean people want it, right?

No. No they don’t. Backspace means “erase the character to the left of my cursor”. (Don’t tell me that it’s supposed to be a forward delete, btw.) If I think I’ve focused a text field, and hit backspace, but in reality I have lost focus on that text field, I don’t want the whole freaking page I’m browsing to change to whatever it was before. I want the system to beep, to alert me that I can’t remove a character to the left of my cursor, because my cursor is nowhere near a character.

Make this happen please. Thanks.

Dear Marketers

So, the word ‘webinar’. Nobody likes it. It’s a terrible word. It embarrasses you and me when you use it.

So let’s stop, eh?

P.S., if you are one of the people that do, indeed, like this word, I have a domain to sell you.

Thanks much,

joel

Dear Self

I’m pretty sure you just ordered a ‘Mocha Big Chill’ and not a ‘Caramel Big Chill’, but when you were handed your drink something in your mind told you that it’s within the realm of possibility you actually did say ‘Caramel’ while ordering.

You should pay closer attention to what you’re saying next time, because you don’t really like caramel-based coffee drinks.

Love,

Joel

Dear People Wondering If This Sign Is Racist

No, it is not. Just… drop it and stop wasting time and money.

Some choice quotes:

Richard said he thought the chimp was cute the first time he saw it but said he became concerned when someone told him that it was derogatory, given Obama’s racial background and McCain’s black adopted daughter.

“The insulting racial slur overtones and connotations of this series of electronic billboard image of flashing displays is quite clear to people who are astute in civic affairs and therefore are upsetting to many citizens in the City of Montrose community,” Crosby wrote.

and of course:

As for Richard, his concerns about the sign appeared to lessen when told that Voorheis said he had no racist intent with it.

“If the monkey is just shaking his head (about politics), … fine. It’s not a big deal,” he said.

Love,

Joel

Dear Person Who Runs “The Vision Catch”

(Hrm, or maybe it’s “Catch The Vision“. “Vision The Catch“? Your logo is confusing)

You should not comment on this blog, which is entirely unrelated to yours, just to tell me that you have posted to your blog and that you value my comments. You likely do not, actually, value my comments, as I am a bitter, hateful man with nothing good to say about anything. Have you read this blog? It’s true.

Needless to say, your comment has been akismet‘D and will not be published here. I did comment on your post, but I’m pretty sure you chose not to publish it, so this trackback will have to do.

Thanks!

Joel, and the Dear Whatever Team