Dear 2 College Freshman Guys Hitting on the Clearly Uninterested Barista,

Hey. Here’s the deal.. it’s not working.

First off, your ability to form an association between the drink “French Kiss” with the physical act “french kiss” is neither clever nor funny. Your repeated assurances that your recent endeavors had your friends “laughing their asses off” does not, in fact, make her (or any of us in the audience… I assume we are intended to be the audience, as you’re talking loud enough to overpower any other conversation in the shop) believe you to be funny. She’s more likely to assume your friends are at least as lame, if not even more lame, that you two are, and that time spent with you and/or them would make working here in the coffee shop at 1:45 in the morning seem like the heights of adventure and entertainment in comparison.

I’m going to give you some advise (because clearly I am the voice of experience and success):

1. Say what you would like to drink
2. Hand her the money required
3. Say thank you
4. Tip if you feel so inclined (I would recommend doing so)
5. Leave

Now… that probably won’t lead to you hooking up with this barista in any way, but it will likely quell my intense desire to bludgeon you to death with my chair… and I think that’s something.

I’m just trying to help,
Ron

Dear Loud Guy hitting on that Soccer Mom in the Coffee Shop

Hey, how’s it going? Pretty good, eh? You seem like you’re in a good mood. Um.. here’s the deal, and I hate to be a bother, but you’re really, really loud. There’s no reason to be that loud. You’re right next to the person you are talking to, and I have earphones in, and I’m sitting at the other end of the shop, and I can hear you loud and clear. That’s not good.

Another thing, and again, I hate to trouble you with this, but I’m afraid you’re a complete idiot. When you say there are “two shows you’re really hooked on right now: Terminator, House, and 2 and a Half Men” it bothers me… because it means you either don’t know what “2″ means, or you think there’s actually a show about a cantankerous cyborg from the future able to solve mysterious medical oddities while protecting humanity’s only hope for the future. Also… 2 and a Half Men? Really?

I’m not going to take you to task for your butchering of the English language, but I would urge you to study up on subject-verb agreement when you get a chance. Also, you’ve changed tenses frequently enough in this short conversation that any reasonable person would at this point believe you capable of time travel.

One final thing, and I’ll let you get back to trying to woo this clearly starved for attention lady… I say this in love, and hope it’s taken in the spirit that it is meant: That mustache makes you look like a child-predator.

Good luck on your date!
Ron

Dear High School Girl Applying for a Job at the Coffee Shop

Here’s a helpful tip for you: When your shorts are so tight that they are seriously affecting the way you walk, then they are too small for you.

Hope this helps. Good luck with the application!
Ron

Dear Middle-Aged Man with Full-Sized Headset and Giant Microphone sitting behind me at the Coffee Shop

Hi! You look like you’re busy, so I’ll make this quick. When you’re at home deciding if what you are going to be doing that day ought to be done at a coffee shop or not, I have a simple little test that might help at least a little. It goes something like this:

“Does this activity require a full-sized headset with giant microphone?”

If you answer “yes” then what you are going to be doing that day ought not to be done at the coffee shop.

Hope this helps,
Ron

Dear Coffee-Shop Bathroom Light Motion Sensor

I am all for energy conservation… believe me, I am. As such, I love the idea of the light turning off when there’s no one in the bathroom, and I understand that a motion sensor is a good way to control that. Here’s the rub: your timer is way too short. I’m guessing it’s about 15 seconds… 20 if I’m being really generous. I simply can’t completely my objective in that small a span of time. So time after time I find myself sitting there, waving my arms frantically like an idiot trying to turn the stupid light back on because you’ve decided I was too still. I refuse to bob and weave like Ray Charles while I’m in there, so how about you just learn a little patience, okay?

Thanks for everything,
Ron

Dear 40+ year old guy at the coffee shop

If I feel creepy occasionally looking over at those high school girls, I don’t know what the heck you think you’re doing. It’s called subtlety, look it up. Idiot.

Hypocritically yours,
Ron

Dear Awkward Looking Middle-Aged Man

There are currently 18 tables in this coffee shop. 5 of these tables are occupied. There is one table open between me and that table with 3 attractive ladies. You’ll note I am facing them, and they are all able to see me. This arrangement is rather pleasing to me. I can fathom no earthly reason why you, an awkward looking middle aged man, would think it wise to choose this table, rather than the 12 other tables that are open and available. Your decision to sit on the opposite end, facing me, and blocking the entire next table from my view is even more maddening.

Wishing you intense pain,
Ron

Dear the only other customer in the Coffee Shop

There are currently 18 tables in the shop. I am sitting at one of them. There is absolutely no reason why you should sit in the table right next to mine, so that I am forced to scoot up and sit uncomfortably close to my table so that you can fit. There is no outlet near you, there are plenty of other window seats, and the seat you chose has no better view of the front door/the counter/the back door/any area of the shop, the parking lot, or anything. In short, of all the tables in the entire coffee shop, you chose the only wrong table. You are an idiot…. and now you are opening your cell phone…

Hoping your coffee is poison,
Ron

Dear Loud Annoying Dude at the Coffee Shop

Hey… guess what. As surprising as this might be, the majority of the people in this coffee shop aren’t interested in what you are currently doing, so there’s really no need to talk about it loud enough for all of us to hear. Also, if you’re going to try to chat up the baristas, go ahead and walk over to them, rather than shouting from the opposite end of the place.

Yeah… Cell Phones are great, aren’t they? But, sadly, we’re just not interested in hearing every part of your phone conversation either, so you can either take it outside or talk quieter. What you don’t need to do is talk loudly while walking around the coffee shop like you’re completing laps in a Fun-Run.

One other quick tip: We’ve all been burned by the “oops, I left my cell phone’s ringer on in a public place” thing, but when it happens twice within minutes of each other, it makes you a jackass.

Hoping something bad happens to you,
Ron

Dear Coffee Shop

As nice as air conditioning is, there is no reason why it should be 75 degrees outside, and 40 degrees inside. I should not have to bundle up to come inside. Now I’m sitting here clutching my coffee and shivering like an idiot. I realize you just want me to purchase another coffee, or better yet, buy a coffee and then just leave…but seriously, this is ridiculous. The windows are beginning to frost over…

Shivering furiously,
Ron