Dear ABC Sports,

I am watching college basketball. At no point do I want you to tell me what happened on last week’s episode of Lost. I haven’t watched it yet. Your segue sucked, and now I have to mute you. Rosebud was his sled.

Die,
Ron

Dear Marketers

So, the word ‘webinar’. Nobody likes it. It’s a terrible word. It embarrasses you and me when you use it.

So let’s stop, eh?

P.S., if you are one of the people that do, indeed, like this word, I have a domain to sell you.

Thanks much,

joel

Dear Red Sox Game Attendees Who Sat Behind Me

Great game today, eh? Or, I guess I should maybe say “Oh my gawd, wicked pissah”. Am I right?

As we were leaving, I noticed you dropped something. I tried to return it but you were already gone, so I’ll just reproduce it here so you have a copy if you ever happen to find this blog.

It looks like a to-do list of some sort; I’ve taken the liberty of checking off things you’ve done already, to save you the trouble of trying to remember (that was, after all, a lot of beer you had consumed). You’ll note that there are a few items that are not checked off. I do hope you’re able to get to them before the end of the day.

Things To Do At the Game Today

[x] Yell loudly
[x] Come up with funny name for Papelbon, then yell
    said name throughout the entire ninth inning.
    Idea: "PapelBONE".
[x] Drink lots of beer
[x] Yell at Papelbon for not striking batter out already
    after only two pitches.
[x] Drink lots of beer
[x] Cheer for Red Sox half-heartedly, while placing
    bets on them grounding out.
[x] Discuss (loudly) how Deuce Bigelow: Male Gigolo is
    the best movie ever.
[x] Discuss (loudly) how Joe Dirt is the best movie
    ever.
[x] Drink lots of beer
[x] Swear (loudly) in front of the eight-year-old who
    will be sitting behind me.
[x] Affect Boston accents
[x] Lose Boston accents while conversing below a yell
[x] Rarely converse below a yell
[x] Express love for Yankees while at game.
    Sub-item: discuss how Yankess fans would be better
    at cheering.
[x] Discuss sexual organs loudly
[x] Yell "PapelBONE" five times in the top of the
    ninth, then immediately ask friends who is pitching,
    what the score is, and what inning it is.
[x] Make sure to say "are you retahded?" at least once
[ ] Contract an STD from fellow game-watchers
[ ] Shoot self in head

Hope this makes it into your hands, I know I hate it when I lose stuff.

Have a good one!

Joel

Dear Fox News

Just an FYI. You guys are idiots.

I know you probably hear it a lot. The reason for that is that it’s true.

Pissed off every time I think of you,

joel