Dear Loud Guy hitting on that Soccer Mom in the Coffee Shop

Hey, how’s it going? Pretty good, eh? You seem like you’re in a good mood. Um.. here’s the deal, and I hate to be a bother, but you’re really, really loud. There’s no reason to be that loud. You’re right next to the person you are talking to, and I have earphones in, and I’m sitting at the other end of the shop, and I can hear you loud and clear. That’s not good.

Another thing, and again, I hate to trouble you with this, but I’m afraid you’re a complete idiot. When you say there are “two shows you’re really hooked on right now: Terminator, House, and 2 and a Half Men” it bothers me… because it means you either don’t know what “2″ means, or you think there’s actually a show about a cantankerous cyborg from the future able to solve mysterious medical oddities while protecting humanity’s only hope for the future. Also… 2 and a Half Men? Really?

I’m not going to take you to task for your butchering of the English language, but I would urge you to study up on subject-verb agreement when you get a chance. Also, you’ve changed tenses frequently enough in this short conversation that any reasonable person would at this point believe you capable of time travel.

One final thing, and I’ll let you get back to trying to woo this clearly starved for attention lady… I say this in love, and hope it’s taken in the spirit that it is meant: That mustache makes you look like a child-predator.

Good luck on your date!
Ron

Dear Middle-Aged Man with Full-Sized Headset and Giant Microphone sitting behind me at the Coffee Shop

Hi! You look like you’re busy, so I’ll make this quick. When you’re at home deciding if what you are going to be doing that day ought to be done at a coffee shop or not, I have a simple little test that might help at least a little. It goes something like this:

“Does this activity require a full-sized headset with giant microphone?”

If you answer “yes” then what you are going to be doing that day ought not to be done at the coffee shop.

Hope this helps,
Ron

Dear Loud Annoying Dude at the Coffee Shop

Hey… guess what. As surprising as this might be, the majority of the people in this coffee shop aren’t interested in what you are currently doing, so there’s really no need to talk about it loud enough for all of us to hear. Also, if you’re going to try to chat up the baristas, go ahead and walk over to them, rather than shouting from the opposite end of the place.

Yeah… Cell Phones are great, aren’t they? But, sadly, we’re just not interested in hearing every part of your phone conversation either, so you can either take it outside or talk quieter. What you don’t need to do is talk loudly while walking around the coffee shop like you’re completing laps in a Fun-Run.

One other quick tip: We’ve all been burned by the “oops, I left my cell phone’s ringer on in a public place” thing, but when it happens twice within minutes of each other, it makes you a jackass.

Hoping something bad happens to you,
Ron