Dear FX Network

So… I was spinning through the stations and saw you were showing Black Knight starring Martin Lawrence.

Um… Why?

Seriously, Think Next Time!
Ron

Dear Awkward Looking Middle-Aged Man

There are currently 18 tables in this coffee shop. 5 of these tables are occupied. There is one table open between me and that table with 3 attractive ladies. You’ll note I am facing them, and they are all able to see me. This arrangement is rather pleasing to me. I can fathom no earthly reason why you, an awkward looking middle aged man, would think it wise to choose this table, rather than the 12 other tables that are open and available. Your decision to sit on the opposite end, facing me, and blocking the entire next table from my view is even more maddening.

Wishing you intense pain,
Ron

Dear the only other customer in the Coffee Shop

There are currently 18 tables in the shop. I am sitting at one of them. There is absolutely no reason why you should sit in the table right next to mine, so that I am forced to scoot up and sit uncomfortably close to my table so that you can fit. There is no outlet near you, there are plenty of other window seats, and the seat you chose has no better view of the front door/the counter/the back door/any area of the shop, the parking lot, or anything. In short, of all the tables in the entire coffee shop, you chose the only wrong table. You are an idiot…. and now you are opening your cell phone…

Hoping your coffee is poison,
Ron